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Fighting to survive Disassociated Identity Disorder

Fighting the stigma against mental illness

My Sway

 

 

 

More of life’s twist and turns

“More of life’s twist and turns” seems to be my life’s ongoing moto! It’s crazy how things seem to go in my life especially lately. I can’t seem to get out of this rut I am in. Having BPD really effects my life in more ways, than I actually thought. I feel the stress way more than normal people, because everything is stressful. Hell, simply breathing can become stressful. Seriously. It’s awful!

That is just the way things are for people with BPD. Throw in a little DID, and it’s a mental party at it’s finest. People with BPD have super stressful moments and you then have a total meltdown.

However, I refuse to have that meltdown today. I am going to fight against the grain. I am going to allow this stressful situation I have put myself into, get the best of me damn it! I am making it my bitch today! I can do this, this can be a milestone in my therapy. I need to thank my blessings, that even I have these super stressful moments in my life. I need to stop of over thinking the situation. I am here because for some reason, I need to let it be. I need to go through all of this for reasons I may not ever understand.

The small things in life… 

I am not the most intelligent individual out there, nor do I pretend to be. Life’s lessons literally have to sucker punch me in the face, before I am able to see what’s really going on. I miss the obvious things in life.. for example, if there was a huge bus accident right infront of me.. most likely I would continue talking about my day prior.

Well, that’s going to the extreme..  maybe?? I really think that it really only happens when there is am emotional connection, and involved relationship that does it to me. I am able to separate my home life from my everyday life for example friends and colleagues . But when I am emotionally attached to someone or at least, when I trust someone. I do have a tendency to have to be slapped upside the head before I see what is going on. That and I have to be able to see what it is that I couldn’t see. I am a visual person, I visualize everything. And I really do mean everything! Can’t visualize something, it didn’t happen.

Basically, what all this is boiling down to is, why can’t things be easier for me to see? Why, does it take me 552 times of having to hit my head up against the wall, to see and fully get it? Why, can’t I not stress or worry about things and simply fully enjoy the small things in life? Why does everything have to be so damn difficult?

She opened my chest..

“What was said to the rose that made it open was said to me here in my chest.” – Rumi — —Though musicians Beyoncé and Jay-Z aren’t normal subjects for a blog about books and publishing, today they are the perfect entry […]

via Finding the Poet Rumi with Beyoncé — Kristen Twardowski

Chandra opened my chest several years ago; in the since of she has always loved me. No matter what was ever harshly said, even through the times of wandering around, being lost. She has always loved me, she has never forgotten how. When she said her vows, she f-word meant them. Our vows were written for us, by us. That day 4 years ago forever has changed who we are. We were a couple, that people have been jealous of, our love that we share. With that being said, the  past 2 years have also been our hardest that she’s ever had to endure. For I have been changing into someone who I really am. It’s taken 40 years to get where I am to be okay with who I am for all of us. I have several different types of mental disorders. Ones that can’t necessarily change or go away with any type of medicine. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and possibly in all reality Disassociated Identity Disorder. Which means, life with me can be either really good or really.. really bad.

I’ve never been loved before nor have I ever had someone in my life who is ever been so loyal. The writings that you shall read are only my versions of how I have seen things. There is a whole other side to the way of how things, events, certain times in our lives have went. One day, I hope to share her version as well. So, that the two versions can be compared.

Welcome to Kimberland

This is my story, it’s not going to be
the best blog you’ve ever read. It’s
certainly not going to be the worst
neither.

Hell let’s face it, you may even get
bored from time to time… However,
one thing I can promise you, is it will
be real, uncensored and most likely at some point it may even be way too

much to take in. This is my life… and with all good
stories.. there has to have some kind of
twists and turns, right? All the while I am having

more and more signs point towards  having Borderline Personality Disorder or Detachment Identity Disorder. Not really sure if I do or not, but unfortunately I hit every criteria… so we shall see, this is my journey.  Welcome to Kimberland.

Deception… yet, forgiveness

wp-1476892055092.jpgDeception; is a nasty one, it leaves the bitter sweet taste within your mouth.. You see crazy or not.. Who really knows.. Who really even cares? When there’s been deception involved.. It kills all living things.. In its nuclear war path.. It makes you feel dead beyond repair or so you think at times. It’s sweet due to the simple fact that it makes you much stronger inside. You become more aware of your surroundings. Hardly anything gets past you, and yet then it becomes your biggest enemy because it doesn’t always allow you to see the truth for what it really is.

One may seem to lose touch with reality more than not. One may become overly cautious, paranoid in fact. When you lose touch within reality, there is nothing more terrifying. At least not for me, then when certain everyday coincidences transpire those everyday coincidences turn into pure fear. Then you feel yourself pull farther way from your reality. Life is no game, trust, love, nor faith. Mind games are never a good thing, and yet even when meant for good they can be taken too far. It’s only the strong that survive the real game of life. Living in the past has been one of my biggest down falls.

I am far from perfect, I get angry easy, yes 20 times a day I over react. Hell I may even really be crazy, but one thing I know for sure is what I have had to learn the hardest way possible and that might mean losing my family. Is that love is real and what I have known my whole life was never love.  Bad people change and good people become better, flowers need planted, and life isn’t always so black and white. Children’s laughter isn’t always supposed to be hushed and a broken heart can be mended. Trust can be earned, apologies should never been taken for granted and even though a person may apologize and then again 20 times make the same mistake. Real love forgives and let’s things go of that resentment. I can honestly say that I have had to let a lot go.

My wife has loved me beyond what I may have ever deserved and yet even though losing her and my sons may become a reality I would never take back what gifts I have started to see. I have traveled down worse paths in my life, I have never been able to forgive myself for the pain and torment that she’s had to endure. And as selfish as this may sound I am okay with it. I wouldn’t take any of it back. When others look into the picture they see only one sided, they aren’t able to see the past that each of us has walked through. We all have good and bad in our lives and no one’s life is worse or harder than the others. No one person is to blame more than the other. Hurt has happened that cannot be taken back however healing can continue. Life has so many different shades of colors to it. There is so much that we’ve all missed out on. Fear is a part of life, yet so is growth. Trust is never given it is only earned , the same as respect and so is letting go. I know what I want in my life and yes it has taken me almost 40 years to get to this point.

I want to love me, love the me that is inside, the one that is “moving changing and growing at just the right pace.” Because just as my TC sisters and I would say, trust the process.. I am moving and changing at my pace,. I may not be changing fast enough to have saved my marriage but I am saving my life. The life I deserve to have, the one that I am meant to have. I have never understood those words completely until these past few weeks. I can’t give something to someone that I haven’t been able to give until lately.  Life is no game, yet in some sick way we are all a pawn in some sick fashion. We all use people for our own personal gain, may it be to love them, cherish them, gain something from them, hurt them, torment whatever it is. But we all see things differently. Nothing really is ever black or white.. Even though, that’s the only way we’ve seen it in the past. It’s more purple.

 

Two is better than one.

As I sit-in silence only hearing a well orchestrated symphony of crickets in the background. I realize that my life is something that is not an option but a choice. And I am okay by saying, it’s about time. I’m going to choose me, to do what’s best for me and my family.

Most people on the outside looking in will day that I am much of a selfish individual. I promise to only be myself. I will never lie, or sensor my thoughts. What you read is who, I am at the moment. myself here when I say my life is anything but “normal”. And the one thing that I would rather die than actually owning up to is going to be the one thing that saves me, in the long run.  would benefit My life, my families life, just drastically changed for the better. For the better. 

Who am I really?

The days keep getting shorter and shorter; as I am told even more that the one person who I have always have been, is either a figment of a vast colorful imagination or the inner demons of a psychotic mind. What is the most devastating thing ever to me is the hurt and “twisting of thoughts” that turn into my sickened reality. What I would like to know is “how.. and why?” Does something like this happen to a grown ass adult, turning 40 actually. How does this type of thing happen to someone like me? Why can I not remember it all, who I am? The memories that others share about me yet, without me?

Nothing hardly ever got past me, hardly. I am not one to watch another’s every movements, but I am extremely aware of my surroundings. I just want my life back, I want to be that vivacious, strong, determined woman that she seeks day in and day. What I wouldn’t give to see her smile and too watch her laughter. To not have my feelings run all of my being. To have Sir be happy, young and actually enjoy his childhood. For him to not have the neighborhood kids tease him for my behavior. To never feel like I am someone’s burden. At the same time I want to be me; not having to hide all that lies dormate within Pandora’s secretive secluded box. The people who I’ve know my whole life don’t even know.. the real jist of who I am. My heart shatters because I am not who she fell in love with, I now share the equivalence of our boys to her.  A child.

The large amounts of pain that I continue to cause. I just wish I could’ve been there for her the way she’s always been there for me.

Confusion remains

Today’s confusion I would say would be the worst. How is one to know, to really know what all has been made up and then what all has been some person’s games?

How are you to ever know? I am evil yes, I have caused numerous people great amounts of pain and suffering. Do I make it all up in mind? How exactly can one person be sure? The words”I love you” I swear were someone’s sick invention of real torture and revenge. I’ve never purposely hurt anyone and I never could hurt another. When people say they fear me, I cringe. And then I think to myself, if it’s all true.. which of me?

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