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Fighting to survive Disassociated Identity Disorder

Fighting the stigma against mental illness

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loss

From me to her…

Monday, July 30, 2018

6:33 PM

Sitting here craving the thoughts of placing my pen to paper once again, It terrifies me at times. Other times, I feel if I start to write it all out then I will never ever stop. I would be writing and correcting the things that come flying out my mouth, forever.

There’s days like today, my beautiful wife woke me up with breakfast in bed. She tried. You see, Chandra has stopped showing me any type of affection or genuine kindness, My life, as I have known it has ever changed. I took her for granted for all of those little things that she would always do for me. All the little things that she would say to me. I took them ALL for granted. My life has sucked really bad for the past well, let’s just say it’s been a bit now. Because, she stopped.

I only have myself to blame. I am the one who pushed her over her breaking point. I am the one who brought things ways to happen. I am fully to blame.

I miss her, I miss her so fucking bad. I miss everything about her. I miss the way she moves, her scent. I miss even her being close enough to catch a small glimpse of her scent. I miss hearing her laughter and know that I am the cause of it. I miss her touch. It’s hypnotizing. I miss just miss her. Anything any everything about her I miss. We used to be awake for hours on end just merely talking to each other. Nothing ever of real true importance, just talking. So, today was big. Because she actually tired.

And, then I go and fuck things up. I say something without thinking first, This does have to be my way of doing things. I never used to shelter my feelings nor my thoughts with her before and now I do. I guess, I became used to saying whatever it was on my mind and instead I should be thinking of how is it going to effect the person I am speaking to. Is it going to hurt any feelings, can what I am about to say, hurt anyone’s feelings. I am I just being a dick.

I am either bitching, chastising or criticizing. That’s all I hear I ever do. Now, I am getting angry, because I should be standing up for myself but because I miss her so deeply now, I will do what she hates even more than those 3 things. I will ask forgiveness in 20 different ways. Well, one of me will. One of my alters does it and it drives her crazy. It pisses her off even more. So, I am screwed. Living with other parts of yourself isn’t easy by any means. Life for anyone, isn’t easy. Try doing it with a few of you in your head and it can be enough to drive the sane insane.

Two is better than one.

As I sit-in silence only hearing a well orchestrated symphony of crickets in the background. I realize that my life is something that is not an option but a choice. And I am okay by saying, it’s about time. I’m going to choose me, to do what’s best for me and my family.

Most people on the outside looking in will day that I am much of a selfish individual. I promise to only be myself. I will never lie, or sensor my thoughts. What you read is who, I am at the moment. myself here when I say my life is anything but “normal”. And the one thing that I would rather die than actually owning up to is going to be the one thing that saves me, in the long run.  would benefit My life, my families life, just drastically changed for the better. For the better. 

This is my story,  it’s not going to be the best blog  you’ve ever read. And it’s certainly not going to be the worst neither. 

Hell let’s face it, you may even get bored from time to time… However; one thing I can promise you,  is it will be realunsensored and most likely at times way too much to take in. 

This is my life… and with all good stories.. there has to have some kind of twists right?  All the signs point towards me having Borderline Personality Disorder. Not really sure if I do or not, but unfortunately I hit every critia… so this is my journey.

I am writing this as an outlet for myself in hopes of somehow grasping onto what was once my reality. And to see and hearing the love of my life.. smile and laugh like she once did. 

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