Today, I think it’s honestly the first day that I am actually starting to understand myself. I finally, looked what having DID was on YouTube. It’s nothing like I thought it was, you see I promised my counselor that I would not look it up and I never did.
Well, I was given the green light and even still then… I didn’t really look it up. Well not really…. I never looked it up, due to being so damn fearful of what it was that I would see, learn, not even understand.. Even more. I mean.. I kind of, did but only on the lesser end of it all.
Being afraid of the unknown blocks me from doing a lot within my life. I was terrified to learn about the true me.. The real me/me’s. The” alter” versions of me, myself and I. Basically, the UntoldMe…
It’s very unique how all of this has been transforming in all actuality. I have always been so terrified that she would leave me or not love me because of who I am becoming. I know that in my heart, that she loves me and she will not leave me unless I am vicious and mean.
There’s a part of me that still scares for fear that who I am will not be accepted for who she is , it’s especially hard at times when I am unable to see myself for who I am. I know that it’s safe to come out and show who my true inner self is, but only to a close few.
I am still learning, I am still evolving into this kick ass person! And, I am finally, coming to grasps with the realization that this is who I am and it’s okay. Chandra once said that, the way my brain parts ways is just different than others. That she thought, that it was “actually pretty cool” those 3 words made me feel so much better.. Better than what I thought, they ever would. Those words were almost, if not more precious than the other 3 words she used to whisper in my ear. I am growing more accustomed to this whole thing all together.
Until today, I was so scared that I was just some freak who couldn’t deal with life.. Now, having the jacket of BPD still sucks but hey, life could be worse! Yes, my brain works differently than most and yes, I am over dramatic at times and yes… there may be other versions of me that I still don’t understand..
And yes, I am learning that it’s just not all about me! One thing, I know for sure is that my wife still loves me, I am one kick ass grandmother. I have one hell of an hour glass figure, eyes that will look right into your soul(not in a bad way.. All the time) and I have a huge smile for days.
Per Chandra: I also need to remember… not to smother my wife in her sleep… Noted!! Lol we have a sick and wrong type of sense of humor at times!!