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Fighting to survive Disassociated Identity Disorder

Fighting the stigma against mental illness

This is my story,  it’s not going to be the best blog  you’ve ever read. And it’s certainly not going to be the worst neither. 

Hell let’s face it, you may even get bored from time to time… However; one thing I can promise you,  is it will be realunsensored and most likely at times way too much to take in. 

This is my life… and with all good stories.. there has to have some kind of twists right?  All the signs point towards me having Borderline Personality Disorder. Not really sure if I do or not, but unfortunately I hit every critia… so this is my journey.

I am writing this as an outlet for myself in hopes of somehow grasping onto what was once my reality. And to see and hearing the love of my life.. smile and laugh like she once did. 

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Featured post

Wishing she were here.

I used to welcome my moments alone. Now it’s like I feel like I spend more time alone than with anyone. It’s cold in our little home if that’s what you’re wanting to call it. I have done it again, I have misread something that was either said, blew things out of proportion or simply taken things wrong. Why is it that I can’t comprehend things like other people? Why is it that I can’t seem to follow through with the things I swear I shall do? Why is it that my brain works the way it does? Why do I have to go around and around this vicious cycle? Why can’t I allow something good for myself? Why do I have to be the broken person I am?

I , then think to myself.  No, never be that broken weak person who gives up. There are always reasons to keep trying. She had never once stoped trying.

UntoldMe-

There are so many times within my 42 years of life where I just can’t explain things. This happens to be one of them times. Things happen that I can’t explain, the way my eyes see things as they happen yet I am supposed to believe that they really aren’t. If I do, I am crazy. If I notice something that has either changed or is no longer the same exact way. I guess I am supposed just pretend that it just didn’t occur or play as if I some type of quiet time shumk. “HHHmmm” neither is the choice that I am wanting to go instead, the infante cat and mouse crusade shall lap a couple more miles until finally.. I use my cat reflexes and punch on said tiny small mouse. And no I am not meaning my amazing wife either. I am grateful for the company however, I am never ever fully alone. Duh, you really must be new here, I have DID guys.. I am never alone lol. They are all shreaking with laughter,

Inner Small bits of terrifying fear

A part of me fears technology so badly it causes me not to write on here. Only because I know without a shadow of a doubt that these crazy things you always hear on the internet can and most likely do happen. Realistically, I know that ” I mean, what are tbe odds of anything like that happening to me?” I should feel safe while being online..but I don’t. I hate to admit it, but being on my phone for that matter at times scares the hell out of me. These days you can’t do anything and not be online. From research purposes, to paying a bills you have to be online in some way. There’s times when something will have changed or moved and it freaks the hell out of me.

This to shall change, so I do believe for the better. When I grow up, I want to be an ethical hacker. I long to decipher codes while being the voice for those who have none.

 

The Unknown.

Fear of the unknown has gripped it’s large pointy teeth in me for what will be the last time. The past 2 years have been the hardest years of my life. I am not going to dwell on the life I lost, I am going to be grateful if the new life I have gained. I am going to continue to hold my head high knowing that this is the way that I am supposed to be. I never came with a warning label and in some senses I think I probably should have. Life with me is never boring hell, for that sense it’s hardly ever not full of chaos. Chaos, my best friend seems to hold onto my ways of life rather tightly. Maybe it’s due to the fact that I am not comfortable if there is nothing going on. Who knows, maybe it’s because nothing in my life ever goes as planned. Well, that’s where I am taking a firm stance and saying. No more. No more will the fear of the what if’s control me. It’s better than just living in limbo. I have so many things that I still have to do with my life, educate the world on DID, go back to school and do something with my life. I want to not have to worry about paying for both groceries and insurance at one time. Hell, I would love to go on vacation with my family. These past almost 3 years have set us back so much we are still living in the she-shed, but I know time will tell and something will come through. I am working full time and I know I can mentally withstand this. I have to, I have no choice but to. I have only myself to fall back on and with Chandra by my side I want to live life. I am so tired of things not happening for us. I am through with just waiting for it to happen. It’s time to make them happen. My hell, I have survived losing my mind. I have survived some of the most evil and  most ugliest things in life. I survived, that in itself should have been enough for me to stand on. But I allowed fear of the unknown to fluorish within myself. I am no longer terrified to not try. I am no longer afraid of who I am and what I will become!

On this day years ago my life forever changed.

You see I was a young mom. I had already had my daughter who was 15 months old when I became pregnant with Nate. I was a baby having babies. All the worries went out the door when that little baby was put into my arms. He faught like hell to win himself into my life, now was my turn to fight like hell to be a good mom. I stayed home his first year of life and its one of my favorites out of all of my years. Well today that once little man is now grown into a gentleman who is turning 22. Happy birthday to my son Nathanielđź’–

She never gives up…

Her name is Chandra and she goes above and beyond what our vows intel. By rights anyone would have give up a long time ago on me. But she refuses too. Lord knows why, I can only guess. But the real reason is because she loves me. 🧡

Cute little bit if humor today!

To be free..

What would my life look like if I were free from this mental condition? Would I hold my head high once again? Would I let nothing stand in my way or would I have? Having this mental illness I swear has pushed me into being someone I have always wanted to be yet, have been to afraid to try to be. I am no longer the weak, sick and broken one who I once was. For I am a true survivor within my own shell.

It’s now time for the world to learn more about this life changing mental illness. It’s time to break free from the chains that have kept me a prisoner for these past 3 years. I am strong, I long to help others who don’t understand. People who preform research on these medical conditions. Because I have lived it, breathed it and I am now surviving it. I refuse to allow my D.I.D to control my fears. I am at peace with it now. It can no longer control the woman who I am meant to be.

From me to her…

Monday, July 30, 2018

6:33 PM

Sitting here craving the thoughts of placing my pen to paper once again, It terrifies me at times. Other times, I feel if I start to write it all out then I will never ever stop. I would be writing and correcting the things that come flying out my mouth, forever.

There’s days like today, my beautiful wife woke me up with breakfast in bed. She tried. You see, Chandra has stopped showing me any type of affection or genuine kindness, My life, as I have known it has ever changed. I took her for granted for all of those little things that she would always do for me. All the little things that she would say to me. I took them ALL for granted. My life has sucked really bad for the past well, let’s just say it’s been a bit now. Because, she stopped.

I only have myself to blame. I am the one who pushed her over her breaking point. I am the one who brought things ways to happen. I am fully to blame.

I miss her, I miss her so fucking bad. I miss everything about her. I miss the way she moves, her scent. I miss even her being close enough to catch a small glimpse of her scent. I miss hearing her laughter and know that I am the cause of it. I miss her touch. It’s hypnotizing. I miss just miss her. Anything any everything about her I miss. We used to be awake for hours on end just merely talking to each other. Nothing ever of real true importance, just talking. So, today was big. Because she actually tired.

And, then I go and fuck things up. I say something without thinking first, This does have to be my way of doing things. I never used to shelter my feelings nor my thoughts with her before and now I do. I guess, I became used to saying whatever it was on my mind and instead I should be thinking of how is it going to effect the person I am speaking to. Is it going to hurt any feelings, can what I am about to say, hurt anyone’s feelings. I am I just being a dick.

I am either bitching, chastising or criticizing. That’s all I hear I ever do. Now, I am getting angry, because I should be standing up for myself but because I miss her so deeply now, I will do what she hates even more than those 3 things. I will ask forgiveness in 20 different ways. Well, one of me will. One of my alters does it and it drives her crazy. It pisses her off even more. So, I am screwed. Living with other parts of yourself isn’t easy by any means. Life for anyone, isn’t easy. Try doing it with a few of you in your head and it can be enough to drive the sane insane.

Understanding myself.. today..

Today, I think it’s honestly the first day that I am actually starting to understand myself. I finally, looked what having DID was on YouTube. It’s nothing like I thought it was, you see I promised my counselor that I would not look it up and I never did.

Well, I was given the green light and even still then… I didn’t really look it up. Well not really…. I never looked it up, due to being so damn fearful of what it was that I would see, learn, not even understand.. Even more. I mean.. I kind of, did but only on the lesser end of it all.

Being afraid of the unknown blocks me from doing a lot within my life. I was terrified to learn about the true me.. The real me/me’s. The” alter” versions of me, myself and I. Basically, the UntoldMe…

It’s very unique how all of this has been transforming in all actuality. I have always been so terrified that she would leave me or not love me because of who I am becoming. I know that in my heart, that she loves me and she will not leave me unless I am vicious and mean.

There’s a part of me that still scares for fear that who I am will not be accepted for who she is , it’s especially hard at times when I am unable to see myself for who I am. I know that it’s safe to come out and show who my true inner self is, but only to a close few.

I am still learning, I am still evolving into this kick ass person! And, I am finally, coming to grasps with the realization that this is who I am and it’s okay. Chandra once said that, the way my brain parts ways is just different than others. That she thought, that it was “actually pretty cool” those 3 words made me feel so much better.. Better than what I thought, they ever would. Those words were almost, if not more precious than the other 3 words she used to whisper in my ear. I am growing more accustomed to this whole thing all together.

Until today, I was so scared that I was just some freak who couldn’t deal with life.. Now, having the jacket of BPD still sucks but hey, life could be worse! Yes, my brain works differently than most and yes, I am over dramatic at times and yes… there may be other versions of me that I still don’t understand..

And yes, I am learning that it’s just not all about me! One thing, I know for sure is that my wife still loves me, I am one kick ass grandmother. I have one hell of an hour glass figure, eyes that will look right into your soul(not in a bad way.. All the time) and I have a huge smile for days.

Per Chandra: I also need to remember… not to smother my wife in her sleep… Noted!! Lol we have a sick and wrong type of sense of humor at times!!

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