Within this past year of treatment, I’ve been under constant continuous care of a psychologist. Having at times 3 therapy sessions per week. Well, it has came to light that I suffer from complex PTSD leaning more towards Dissociative Identity Disorder. In real people terms this means… I am even more bat shit crazy than I first thought lol. I apologize; in no way shape of form, am I saying that people with Disassociate Identity Disorder are bat shit crazy. I am merely speaking of myself here. Now, that I hope to not have insulted anyone
Having D.I.D, has almost ruined not only my personal life, my career, my social personality, and my marriage to a wonderful woman as well. I sit back and think to myself, “where the hell was I when all of this went down?” “How exactly, did such a huge portion of my life switch totally around and I not once ever noticed such thing transpire.” I guess, this is the true definition of living in my own bubble. I know, I was there for some of this past 2 years, but to me things look drastically different from the version my wife, Chandra speaks about.
Maybe, this is why, it’s so hard for me to understand. My life is like a huge block of Swiss cheese. Seriously. I have holes upon holes in my memory. I have a huge gaps of time as well, chunks are gone, years. I feel as if I have checked out to recess while school was in session. The only other way to explain these past 2 yrs.(maybe longer) have been like. Is just this, having D.I.D feels as if you’ve just woken up after pulling an all night drunkin binge fest. You wake up the next morning, dazed and confused as all hell. Not being able to remember just exactly what you did, all you’re able to remember is little bits and pieces here and there. That’s how my life has been, for others it maybe different than what I am describing, this is just how having D.I.D is for me.
I have alters or entities, which ever you chose to call them. I just noticed that I now speak as myself as plural all the time now. We’re going to the store, yes, we would like a glass of water. Who knows maybe this a good sign for moving towards my future instead of trying to figure out our past. I just recently for the first time heard all of them having numerous conversations at me. Not with me but at me, it was like I was in a mall setting or a busy restaurant, with hearing all of the conversations going on. Then I figured out that they we speaking to me and Chandra could not hear them. I thought I had lost my mind at first. Then as the night progressed I was narrating what they were saying to Chandra. Thank god, she doesn’t think I need to go to the loonie bin again!
I would have to say, at first I was scared.. yet very calm. It was as if I had found home. That sense of peace and comfort that comes over your whole being. There was so much activity that all I could hear were words being shouted out at me. Then after a bit, things settled down and I could understand what was being said. There was so much that they were saying it was allot to take in. It was crazy because I was showing empathy for them. There was a moment where they began to cry, because I am not the who they love, the one that Chandra feel in love with. The dorky goof ball who dances around the house, the woman who makes love to her wife first thing in the morning because her beauty takes over me. The one who doesn’t care who sees her jamming out in the car when a good song comes on. It’s sad, but I miss her as well.
I miss her bad, I would do anything to bring her back, anything. One thing, I have to remember is I am still here, I think I have just been in hiding. My system just needed Kimber, to take over for a bit. Maybe, it was due to not being able to handle the changes that I was starting to go through. I am still not aware of who is who, just yet. What I do know is one is a painter, one is a performer(one of Chandra’s favorites.. she’s a bit of a dirty girl, she’s my burlesque dancer Dia. We like to call her our dirty whore lol). Another is a coder or a inspiring ethical hacker, I haven’t been able to figure out which exactly. One is a writer, one is the public speaker, the creator of only goodness above ourselves. I think there is a combination of a few in there. Like, I mentioned this is all pretty new to us. So please pardon any jumping around. It seems that my system has much more than I thought to say.